How Can I Talk to My Partner Without Starting a Fight?
When individuals come to see me for therapy, they are often telling me how distressed they are in their romantic relationship. They describe the way they try and try to communicate with their partner, to get their needs met. And, when I hear those attempts to communicate, I can hear the way in which their words are creating disconnection rather than safe, close, connected communication. Here are 3 things you can do to create a safe conversation.
Check in with yourself, first
How often do you take the time to really account for yourself? How often do you ask yourself, where am I right now?
I might ask that question in therapy of a client and they may say, “Work has been really stressful and I have felt like a failure”. Or, “I have been up with our baby for many nights in a row and I am exhausted and don’t have any patience right now”. Or, “ He is indifferent to me the way my mom was to my dad, and I am scared of having that kind of relationship.”
Those are all powerful feelings; fear of failure, feeling alone and needing support, feeling afraid of the future. But, how often do you stop and take those feelings into account, before you reach for your partner. Can you feel compassion for those feelings you are experiencing and believe they are important enough to be expressed? Your partner is not responsible for your feelings, but their words and behavior has an impact on you and they may not know the way those feelings are being triggered in you.
It is vulnerable and risky to share our more vulnerable feelings, because our partner may dismiss them or minimize them, and how painful would that be? But, how often are you dismissing your feelings, first? Healthy communication comes from a place of self acceptance and compassion. And, you can learn to foster that self compassion and acceptance in therapy with a trusted therapist.
Say Where You Are
When we can turn to our partner and say, “Hey, I have had a bad day. I am telling myself that I am a failure/I am alone.” Or, “I felt really sad about the way we spoke to each other yesterday”. Or, “I am so tired and sometimes I worry that I am invisible.” When you say where you are, you are giving yourself the compassion you deserve and giving your partner a chance to feel empathetic to your feelings. Without this step, your partner may be met with blame, criticism, or complete shut down, which inevitably leads to defensive feelings and escalation or shut down on their end, leaving you angry, sad, hurt and terribly disconnected.
Say What You Need
Let’s be careful here, this step is not about telling your partner what to do, or pleading with them to take your needs seriously. It is about reaching for your partner and asking them to meet you where you are. That may sound something like, “I am feeling sad about how we left things this morning and I would like a chance to sit down and talk about it. I’d like to share with you where I was coming from and I would really like to hear what you were feeling.” This is an invitation to communicate safely. It is not a guarantee that your partner will accept, but you have a far better chance that communication will go well, if they do.
Fun fact: From the research of Dr. John Gottman, we can predict the way a conversation will go within the first 3 seconds of that conversation. When you come at your partner with blame, criticism, contempt or shutting down (ie: “I am not talking to you for the rest of the day! Or, maybe ever again!”) Those moves feel powerful in the moment, but you have sent a danger message to your partner and they will go into self protective mode, guaranteed!
Vulnerably turning to your partner, saying where you are even if where you are is, “I really feel sad, but I am scared to bring it up with you, even though I know that we need to talk about it.” And, stating a need, “Can we talk? Can I share with you how I am feeling? Can I hear more about what you are feeling? Can we slow down and try to hear each other?” These are opportunities to connect and slow down communication, so that you can hear one another, with empathy. When you feel empathetic and you feel empathized with, you calm down, dopamine flows in your brain and you will tell yourself that you are safe and secure, because that is what safe communication feels like.
