Internal Family Systems: How to Manage Your Internal Contentious Committee

Most of us have experienced times in which we feel like there is a battle going on internally. A part of us sees a clear direction, but an equally loud part is battling for an entirely different course of action. This tangled mess of thoughts and emotions swirling inside our heads can feel overwhelming. We can feel paralyzed and stuck. Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) was developed to address these stuck places. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz in the 80s, IFS is like a GPS for your inner world.

An example of this experience would look like you desperately wanting to express something to your partner that has been weighing on you. You know that you would feel better if you were able to state what you are feeling, but a very powerful inner voice tells you that it’s not okay to express your true thoughts and emotions.

Getting Familiar with How IFS Works in Therapy

At its core, IFS therapy believes we’ve got a whole cast of characters living inside us. It’s like a family reunion, but it’s all happening in our interior thoughts and emotions. A core premise of Internal Family Systems is that every part has a positive intent for the person, even if its actions or effects are counterproductive or cause dysfunction.

1. Self: Your True North

In IFS lingo, the Self is the wise, level-headed part of you. It’s like that person you know who’s always got it together. When you’re in your Self, you’re clear, kind, and at peace. The Self can also be thought of as the conductor of an orchestra. They help all of the parts to function harmoniously.

In IFS therapy, a trained guide helps you connect with your Self, which becomes your inner compass, leading you in the right direction.

2. Exiles: The Hurt Little Ones

Exiles are the vulnerable parts of you, like the inner kids who carry old wounds, pain, and memories. These parts of our personality have become isolated or “exiled” from the rest of our system, usually due to our experiences early in life. They’re the ones who need some loving care and acceptance.

IFS therapy creates a place of safety for these Exiles to speak up and heal. It’s like giving those hurt parts a big, comforting hug and letting them know it’s okay to let go of the pain.

3. Managers: The Family Guardians

Managers are like your family’s bodyguards, trying to keep you from feeling hurt or vulnerable. Sometimes they can be overprotective, leading to issues like harsh self-criticism or perfectionism. The purpose of our Managers is to protect us from being overwhelmed emotionally by feelings of shame, pain and fear of rejection.

IFS therapy helps you understand these Managers and turn them into allies who’ve got your back, rather than guards at the gate.

4. Firefighters: The Emergency Responders

The purpose of our Firefighters is to distract us from the negative feeling that floods our system when our exiles are activated. Firefighters don’t want us to feel ashamed, embarrassed, or frightened, so they find ways to numb the pain and blunt our unpleasant emotions.

Examples of Firefighter behavior might be workaholism, substance abuse, or cutting.

The IFS Roadmap

1. Meet your parts: Your IFS guide helps you meet all these different parts of your inner family. It’s like a family reunion, but everyone exists in your interior world.

2. Find Your Self: With your guide’s help, you tap into your wise inner Self. It’s like finding your compass. Your true Self is you at your best, feeling calm, confident, compassionate, and curious.

3. Healing Past Hurts: In IFS Therapy you welcome and accept those Exiles and help them heal. It’s like going through your files and deleting what you don’t need anymore.

4. Friendly Managers: You and your therapist work together to calm those Managers down and make them supportive allies. It’s like turning the overprotective family member into the one who gives you a warm embrace and lets you know that you are accepted just as you are.

5. Inner Harmony: As you keep going, your inner family starts getting along better. You feel more in sync with your Self, like finding your groove in a dance.

The Positive Benefits of IFS Therapy

1. Know Yourself Better: IFS helps you dive deep into your emotions, actions, and thoughts. Think about how delicious it is to get to know someone that you are drawn to. You can experience this same delight in becoming well acquainted with yourself.

2. Heal Old Wounds: Remember all those hurts and scars from earlier in life? IFS Therapy can help to mend the wounds that you have been carrying around for so many years.

3. Better Relationships: When your inner family gets along, it’s easier to get along with others. IFS can help you communicate better, handle conflicts more smoothly, and enable you to have deep, intimate, connected relationships.

4. Less Stress: IFS gives you tools to deal with stress and emotional rollercoasters. You can live with more ease and feel confident that you can cope with life’s ups and downs.

Internal Family Systems Therapy is about understanding the quirks of the cast of characters in your head, finding your wise inner Self, and making peace with your emotional past. If you find yourself intrigued with IFS Therapy, please reach out to Seattle Therapy and Counseling. You may find the harmony you’ve been looking for within your own inner family.